8th grade: HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS + INTIMACY_sandbox

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS + INTIMACY TEACHER NOTES

Teacher notes are designed to supplement the slide deck for lessons throughout THAT HEALTH CLASS. At the start of each set of notes is a general introduction for educators – this information does not have a corresponding slide. Following the INTRO FOR EDUCATORS, every slide in the deck has a set of notes including more detailed definitions, extra examples, and ideas for in class exercises. There are no supplemental notes for the LET’S TALK ABOUT IT and SCENARIO conversation starter slides, because these are simply meant to be jumping off points for class discussions if needed.

The goal of these supplemental notes is twofold:

To offer both basic background information for educators who feel less confident teaching a given lesson
To offer a deeper dive into biology, physiology, and data for educators craving more information

Listen to our podcast episodes about healthy relationships in middle school to learn more:

We also have a long list of favorite resources pointing to much more content about any and all of the topics covered in this curriculum.

INTRO FOR EDUCATORS

Effective communication is an important skill to practice, especially as adolescents tackle the developmental task of how to have sustained, healthy intimate relationships. How we communicate with someone makes a difference – it can be the pathway to greater intimacy. The principles of intimacy include:

Opening up emotionally
Practicing reciprocity
Being willing to be vulnerable
Using effective communication

In a culture that evades healthy vulnerability and generally equates it with weakness, it is essential to encourage a counter narrative. Vulnerability means taking a physical and/or emotional risk without knowing what the outcome will be. It can and should be framed as a strength – it is required for authentic connection and forms the foundation for intimacy. Effective communication involves the reciprocal sharing of what and how we ask/get curious about someone, and how we listen and respond to someone while getting to know them better.

ICE BREAKER

Ever heard the phrase "Rome wasn't built in a day"? What does this phrase have to do with authentic relationships?

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

Identify the keys to positive communication.
Recognize the need for human connection.
Understand the building blocks of intimacy.

POSITIVE COMMUNICATION

The keys to effective, positive communication involve non-judgmental questions and active listening. Communication doesn't always involve talking! Here are some different ways to communicate:

Words: It’s helpful to have specific vocabulary in order to accurately express how we feel. The more nuanced words we choose, the more detailed and effective the communication. This is why it helps to try to avoid words like “good” and “bad” when describing how we feel. Instead, try to think of something more specific to explain your emotional state. If you’re stuck, consider using a feelings wheel or chart.

Body language: This is how we physically show others how we feel. The combination of language coming out of the mouth and body language help others understand what we’re trying to say. Body language can include any of the following:

- Facial expressions – smile, smirk, grimace, pursed lips, wide eyes, squinting...
- Head movements – nodding, shaking, head dropped down, chin in the air…
- Arm positions – crossed, relaxed by your side...
- Posture – slouched vs. straight back, shoulders up by ears or relaxed and low…
- Direction – are two people facing each other or away from one another or something in between?
Most of the time, the words themselves, their tone, and the body language are all consistent. For instance, when someone is angry their words might be harsh, their voice might be loud or tense, and their face and body might convey anger with crossed arms or a turned back. Likewise, when someone is feeling loving, their words are kind and their expression, body position, and demeanor tend to all suggest they feel comfortable and relaxed and happy to be in conversation. But sometimes the words suggest one set of emotions and the body language suggests another. This can be confusing. When this happens, it can help to ask clarifying questions.

Reciprocity: This is the balance of energy and investment between two people – getting to know someone while letting them get know you. It’s a measure of give-and-take. Reciprocity can be observed in dialogues and relationships. Do both people speak about the same amount? Are the feelings being conveyed similar? When interest is reciprocal, it’s mutual: both people are interested in getting to know one another better or invested in being there.

THINK OF A BEAR

Teacher note: This is a helpful analogy/exercise for middle school students to understand the value in (1) asking clarifying questions and (2) active listening when participating in intimate relationships.

Directions for activity:

Have everyone think of a bear. Encourage them to see it in their imagination. What color is it? What’s it doing? Where is it located? And so forth...
Ask students to share the bear in their mind. Many will respond with a simple answer: a polar bear, a brown bear, a grizzly, my teddy bear, Paddington Bear.
Ask/model follow up questions, Where is it? What’s it doing? As students answer, become more curious and have them briefly elaborate.
Once several or all have shared, prompt the larger conversation by noting you all could have had a superficial conversation about bears: they have fur, walk on all fours, have ears.
Ask students what they notice about all of the bears once they’ve been shared: they are all different.

WHAT DO YOU NOTICE?

Now ask, “what determined the bear that you thought of when I asked?” You might encourage students by sharing: "If you were just in a National Park and saw one, that may have inspired your imagination" or "If you grew up loving the Berenstain Bear books, that could have inspired you" "Maybe you just watched a documentary film on disappearing ice polar bear habitats in the Arctic." Students will come to understand that their bears were influenced by their experiences and what they know.

Ask, "would you think of a different bear if you were asked again another time?

Highlight that experiences and knowledge are individual and different for different people, which is why we don’t want to make assumptions but rather embrace the opportunity to learn more about someone. Most people know what a bear is, but to know the precise bear that someone is thinking of in a moment, we’d have to ask and listen. This helps the meaning of what we say be clear and makes it less likely that there will be misunderstandings.

Connect this to popularity: Sometimes popularity dynamics and status can impact our ability to communicate in honest and straightforward ways. When we meet challenges in our relationships that include issues of status and influence among peers, it's important to remember not to make assumptions and make sure we understand each other. Then we take the time to wonder and ask about someone’s bear and think about if we’re on the same page.

Ask students what kind of questions we need to ask to get to know someone/their bear.

For example, if we are going for connection and building an intimate relationship (friendship, deepening familial relationships, a potential romantic partner) sticking with non-judgemental questions is a good start. It encourages people to share with open honesty.
Another tip is when sharing an observation, start with something like “I notice…”
When asking clarifying questions in an effort to understand and get to know someone, start with open ended questions that lead with “how” or “what.” Avoid “why” because if you start with “why” you’ve already made a judgment. “How” and “what” questions encourage reflection and exploration, which encourages deeper sharing.

Explain that active listening includes eye contact, open body language, focused attention, genuine curiosity, a desire to “get it” by asking non-judgemental questions.

NEED FOR CONNECTION

Humans are social animals. We need social connection and communication to survive. As a species, we have a desire to be close to other people. This contributes to our overall well being.

The psychological and physical health benefits of social contact can outweigh many risk factors and actually increase our longevity. Having positive relationships with family, friends and community helps us recover from stress, anxiety and depression. It promotes healthy eating and physical activity and improves our sleep, wellbeing and quality of life. Social connection can even help prevent serious illnesses like heart disease, stroke, dementia, anxiety and depression.

And of course, feeling connected to others cultivates joy in our lives. Connection can lead to emotional intimacy. Communication doesn't mean there is never conflict, but it DOES mean that we have the skills to listen to and respect each other when conflict arises.

Learn more from these articles from CDC, NY Times, and TED.

If you have 4 minutes, watch this video from TEDEd on How Friendship Affects Your Brain

BUILDING BLOCKS OF INTIMACY

Intimate relationships are built on authentic connection. Initiating, establishing and deepening intimacy happens through shared experiences and positive communication that enables people to get to know each other in genuine ways. Relationships progress only as quickly as trust is built.

The principles of intimacy rely on the same skills as positive communication. These include:

- Opening up emotionally - the beginning of authentic relationships
- Willingness to be vulnerable – a key to positive, genuine communication.
- Practicing reciprocity – intimacy is challenging without back-and-forth.
- Using effective communication – choosing words specifically and carefully.

Learning to communicate well starts with being:

- Honest
- Curious
- Paying attention
- Listening

Example: Bedtime when you were a little kid.

It was a shared experience with someone who cares for you and you care for them.
It happened regularly, so you could count on it happening.
It was an enjoyable, focused time that felt affirming because there was trust and safety.
For some kids sleep is a vulnerable state of being, so the closeness was reassuring and encouraged sleep.
This reassurance through vulnerability and closeness is an example of intimacy and how it contributes to our wellbeing.

LOVE LANGUAGES AND INTIMACY

Love languages describes the ways people are most comfortable expressing care and closeness with others. What builds intimacy is different for different people. While knowing what you want or like is a good start, it’s important to be able to communicate with your partner/friend/family member in an ongoing way.

The 5 love languages young people hear about the most are

Acts of service
Spending quality time
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Receiving and giving gifts

Teacher note: It’s important to highlight and recognize that intimacy comes in all forms. It is not always sexual.

Here are videos that explain these different love languages:

Quality Time - The 5 Love Languages®

Words of Affirmation - The 5 Love Languages®

Receiving Gifts - The 5 Love Languages®

Physical Touch - The 5 Love Languages®

Acts of Service - The 5 Love Languages®

Activity: Have students make their own “love language basket" and discuss it with a partner.

Ask students for different examples of how people show and express care and closeness with someone else.
Write them on construction hearts, stars, suns or different pieces of colored paper (maybe one color for each love language). Some examples could be: Hand holding; Snuggling; saying “I love you”; expressing appreciation; someone bringing you your favorite snack or drink; showing up for your game or performance; saving you a seat at the lunch table; talking alone every day; taking the initiative to plan something fun that you both enjoy. Students may do this in small groups. Have multiples in piles at each table. Each student gets a basket and collects those that resonate with them.
After they’ve selected 5-10 examples of how they may build intimacy in a relationship, have each person share something in their basket and have the other students at the table.
Encourage students to ask non-judgemental questions and practice active listening to understand what inspired that student to select what they did. Ex: “What does ‘X’ mean to you and what about it feels special?”

Extend/Enrich the Exercise:

If you have extra time, have students create questions that would inspire getting to know someone on a deeper level. For instance (examples taken from The 36 questions to fall in love By Kelly Gonsalves):

- If you could wake up tomorrow with any ability, what would it be?
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- What would a “perfect” day look, sound and feel like to you?
- What do you value most in friendship?
- Have students ask them of each other and notice whether or not the exercise made a difference in how they connect with each other.

SUMMARY

Building healthy relationships with other people takes bravery, vulnerability, and openness to intimacy. Intimacy is not just sexual or romantic, but can describe many kinds of close connections with different people in your life. Authentic human connection also requires people to be clear communicators and active listeners.

LET'S TALK ABOUT IT

What is the bravest part of building new connections with others?
Has your understanding of intimacy changed after this lesson?
What's a new way you might look to build connection with another person?